Come join us in our nesting place.

I realized that if there is one thing that is going to tear my wallet down, it has got to be books.

Yeah, not food, educational expenses, or gasoline. Not clothes or even hair dos (true I spend a lot on hair too but that’s only twice every year). Not even camera lenses!

But books. Yes, B-O-O-K-S!

I always buy books. My husband constantly does, too. And then I also buy lots of books for my son. Oh we seem to have a never-ending need for books. Thus the never-ending trips to the bookstore which - dear hubster, breathe, just breathe - bleed my wallet dry!

So really, if there is something that’s going to make me broke, it’s gotta be because of these books. :-)

No internet connection.

In the office.

*sigh*

I’m bored.

It’s been four days since she’s gone but I still couldn’t get it in my system that she’s REALLY gone. Gone for good.

Oh, she’s gone. She’s really gone. But I still can’t believe it.

When I received the call from her number last Monday, I had thought she’s just calling for some personal concerns. I had not expected to hear her sister’s quivering voice  in the other line, obviously trying hard not to cry, telling me that she’s gone. Despite knowing that she got a debilitating illness, the news came as a shock.

It’s still tough to get in terms with the loss at the moment.

She was more than a classmate, a friend and a  godmother to my son. She was my shock absorber,  confidante,  adviser, shopping-chatting-laughing buddy, mike-catcher (during karaoke sessions, when I don’t know a certain  song, all I need to do is pass the mike to her and she’ll do the number *smile*)…

I have so much wonderful memories of her - the million and one jokes we’ve shared,  the principles she lived by, the  songs she used to sing… There are just so much to remember of her.  And  I  know I will always remember everything -despite being so forgetful. *Sigh* One thing I will always remember is her faith in God. Sickness and all, she continued to praise God for everything -it’s truly amazing.

Haaay. I will just miss her. Her friends and family will.  I wanna tell her a lot in this post  but  I’ll do it one word: thanks. Or one sentence: Yes, thanks for enriching my life with your friendship.

I’m certainly sad to lose this awesome friend but a part of me is happy because I know she’s home. And that she’s happy to be home with our God.

Last night, I cried.

Nah, it’s nothing serious (?). It’s just tears of exhaustion -and frustration, too.

Not much. Just trickles from my tear glands.

Coming home after 12 hours of work (for 2 days straight), I could barely move a muscle when I reached home. I wasn’t even able to change my clothes and eat dinner. I was already asleep even before my head hit the bed. And the saddest thing was, I dozed off with the voice of my son telling me “Mama, I want you” in the background.

That’s worth more than an apology to my son.

Been on a road trip with my family last Wednesday. I think everyone had fun (my son surely did!). Between mothering and sight-seeing, I also had fun snapping summer pics.

On the way home, we dropped by at a local restaurant (by the sea) that serves really delicioso food!

There’s blood. Oh, God blood. B-L-O-O-D.

And I felt a chill in my veins – the kind that not even the thickest Berghaus fleece jackets could warm!

There’s really blood on the tissue that I used to dab my nose with. Spots of blood. It’s not a lot but enough to freak the soul out me. As far as I can remember, I never had a nosebleed before. Language nosebleed, yes; but a real nosebleed, never. And so I worked in a daze yesterday, wondering about what could possibly be wrong. And if you know me well, you will understand that I don’t have a problem with my imagination and could pretty work it up in a huff. *smile* And so expect me to come up with numerous worse could-be’s.

I did. A hundred-and-one of them. And when I googled the word “nosebleed”, I came up with so much more – about a million more which I will not enumerate anymore because they are so maddeningly scary, if not also embarrassingly ridiculous.

So anyway, I went to visit the doctor first thing today –because if I’d wait too long I’m afraid I’d drive myself crazy from thinking of the could-be’s. The check up, where the doctor discovered an inflamed part of my nose, was short and smooth. And when Doctor Nice-and-Smooth put together the symptoms I volunteered, he summed it up as nothing but allergic rhinitis. *thanks God!*

Finally, I could rest my imagination now, it’s worked overtime over the last 24 hours y’know.

So the song It’s Hard To Say I’m Sorry (by Chicago) was played in the office. And I unexpectedly connected it with someone from my past,  whom I fancied myself to be inlove with.  Someone who may not know, and maybe never will (or maybe when he reads this he will then know), that this “craziness” in me existed.

It was sort of a schoolgirl crush… but of course I felt it was more than that before. It didn’t seem to be a one-sided love affair but maybe it was just that. *giggles* Really, I could laugh at it now but I sure  couldn’t then.

Listening to that song, I was slowly transported back in time. Some bittersweet memories. *sigh*

Now why did I remember all that? Noooo, it’s not that I’m still pining over this someone. Hah!  And no it’s not that I’m still not over “the past.” On the contrary, I’m very much over it. I have a wonderful husband and I’m very much contented with my marriage. Very much happy. I honestly feel so blessed with my marriage,  with the man I have gotten myself hitched with. It’s just that I remember -period.  Funny how one song can bring back the memories. My husband, he told me that the past is always a part of what we are. So maybe that’s that.

As with that certain “relationship” in the past, it was destined to be not us. It was not meant to be us. I have come to believe that between the two of us, friendship is so much more important. And I’m glad that up til now, we’ve remained to be good friends.

My father told me on the way to work today that when it’s meant for you, God will give it without any difficulty. Of course we were talking about a totally different issue. But I always believe that it holds true for most in this life, if not everything.

So it was not us. And I am not sorry. Nor have any regrets. Because God gave me what’s absolutely right for me. And you know, when it’s from God, it’s more than 100% guaranteed. *smile*